How to talk to children after a death at home

Tell them soon, and tell them yourself

Children usually cope better when they hear news from a trusted adult than when they overhear it or piece it together. Find a quiet place without distractions, sit at their level, and keep the first conversation short. You do not need to have every answer before you start.

If you are too upset to talk right away, it is fine to ask another trusted adult to be with you, or to say, 'Something sad has happened, and I will tell you more soon.' Children can handle an honest delay better than silence.

Use clear, simple words

Child grief specialists, including the Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress at the Uniformed Services University, recommend using the words 'died' and 'dead' and explaining that the person's body stopped working. Phrases like 'went to sleep', 'passed away' or 'we lost them' can confuse children, and some become afraid of going to sleep or worry that the person can be found.

Answer the question they asked, honestly and at their level, and then check whether they want to know more. It is fine to say 'I don't know' when you don't.

How age changes understanding

Very young children, under about two, cannot grasp death but do feel changes in routine and in the adults around them. Comfort, closeness and familiar routines matter most.

Children from about two to five may think death is temporary or reversible and may ask the same question many times. Simple comparisons, such as a flower that has died, can help. Children from about five to eight are starting to understand that death is permanent and may wonder whether they caused it. They need to hear clearly that it was not their fault. Older children and teenagers understand more about causes and may want more detail, or may prefer to talk to friends or other adults.

Being honest without being graphic

You can be truthful without describing what happened in detail. A child does not need to know about the condition of a room or a body. If the death involved an illness, an accident or something sudden, a short, factual explanation is usually enough: 'Grandpa's heart stopped working, and he died.'

If the death was a suicide, deciding how and when to explain that is hard, and it is a decision worth making with help from a counselor or pediatrician. Children often hear things from others, so it helps to have a plan for what you will say, in words suited to their age. You might start with 'He died because his brain was very sick,' and build from there as they ask.

Questions about the house

Children may be worried about the place where the death happened. They may ask whether it is safe, whether the person is still there, or whether they have to go into that room. Reassure them that adults are taking care of the house and that it will be cleaned and fixed.

It is reasonable to keep children out of the affected area until cleanup is complete, and to let them decide, with your support, whether and when to go back into that room. Some children want to see that it is ordinary again; others prefer not to.

Keep routines where you can

Familiar routines help children feel safe. Meals, bedtime, school and activities give them a sense that life continues, even when adults are grieving. If the family needs to stay elsewhere during cleanup, bring familiar items such as a favorite blanket, toy or nightlight, and keep bedtime as close to normal as you can.

Feelings are allowed, including yours

Children may be sad, angry, scared, clingy, quiet or even playful soon after a death. All of these are normal. Grief in children often comes and goes in short bursts. Let them know that any feeling is okay and that they can come to you with questions at any time.

It is also okay for children to see you sad. Saying 'I'm crying because I miss Grandma' shows them that grief is normal and survivable. Try not to lean on them for comfort in a way that makes them feel responsible for you.

Funerals and saying goodbye

Children can often take part in funerals or memorials if they are prepared for what they will see and hear and have a trusted adult with them who can step out if needed. Give them the choice where you can. Drawing a picture, writing a note or choosing a song can help a child say goodbye in their own way.

Tell the school

Let your child's teacher or school counselor know what has happened. Schools can watch for changes in behavior, give your child a quiet space if needed, and offer support. You can decide together how much the class is told.

When to ask for professional help

Child trauma resources recommend seeking help if a child seems to be struggling over time, shows ongoing signs of anxiety or depression, has trouble functioning at school or home, or talks about wanting to die or to be with the person who died. Your pediatrician can be a good first contact and can refer you to a counselor who works with grieving children.

If a child or teen talks about suicide, or if you are worried about their safety, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which is free and confidential and supports people who are worried about someone else. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

Take care of yourself too

Children take many of their cues from the adults around them. Leaning on family, friends, faith communities, grief groups or a counselor helps you, and that helps them. Accepting practical help, including letting professionals handle cleanup of the home, can free up time and energy for your family.

Related services

• Unattended death cleanup
• Suicide cleanup

Further reading

• cstsonline.org/assets/media/documents/csts-fs-preparing-children-for-death-of-a-
• 988lifeline.org/get-help/

If you need help

Call 615-914-0790 or email contact@newdawnbiorestoration.com. We serve Middle Tennessee.